Baa Baa HORMONES Have You Any MICK JAGGER
by Dark Firaga Productions
Summary: Cloud is in a bar. And then Sephiroth shows up. What could go wrong? CRACK. May contains random references to anything. No Hormones or Mick Jaggers were harmed in the creation of the title.


It was a wonderful day in Hollow Bastion aka Radiant Garden but it sounds cooler as Hollow Bastion because it sounds like a place where Batman would live. The sun was out and the Cloud was dancing. Why? It's what he does when he thinks nobody is looking.

He danced and danced until he got bored and then went to the bar and had a drink.

But then…

"IT IS I! SEPHIROTH!" said Sephiroth.

"It is i! Cloud!" said Cloud, but not as loud.

"It is I! Yuffie!" said Yuffie. Then someone threw a brick at her.

Cloud ignored Sephiroth, instead he focussed on the apple segments he was eating. Until he realised…

"YOU STOLE ONE OF MY APPLE SEGMENTS!" he exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at the Author.

"Guilty," I say, eating the apple segment I stole.

Cloud ignored The Author and went back to focussing on his apple so no one else would eat it.

"So Cloud, what brings you here?" asked Sephiroth whom the Author will now just call Sephi because Sephiroth is annoying to keep having to type.

"_When somebody loves you…"_ sang Cloud, trying to ignore Sephi.

"How's Tifa?"

"_Very superstitious_," Cloud continued to sing the various songs the Author heard on TV at the time of writing this up to this line. Everything after that line, I wrote in Art class because everyone else had buggered off to Robert Harris because Mr Reed was shouting everyone a coffee and I don't like coffee so Logan and I stayed and guarded the class.

"Here, Cloud, I'll buy you a drink," said Sephi, buying Cloud a drink.

A DRINK!? What is this malarkey!? But Cloud cloud not resist… sorry CLOUD COULD not resist a drink! Ahh what a wonderful thing a drink is! It's Cloud's kryptonite.

"Thank you, Sephiroth," Cloud drink the drank. Drank the drunk. Drunk the drank. Drink the drunk. DRANK THE DRINK DAMMIT!

Suddenly CLOUD WENT EXTRA DRUNK! He took off whatever he wears as a shirt and waved it in the air like a helicopter. Then it took off to find a helipad to land on.

Cloud began to shuffle on the barstool he was standing on. "IM SO GORGEOUS SO GOOOOOORGEOUS SO GOR-OR-ORGEOUS AND SHE'S SO COLD!" he pointed to Tifa, who has just walked in, and then she backed out again because she did not want to catch his stupid.

All of this excited Sephi. As in… EXCITED Sephi. He decided to pick up a frog and throw it in the general direction of a rubbish bin. "IM SO HORNYZ!"

The Yuffie woke up from her brick-induced coma and sat on the floor eating a monkey. Sephi stood behind her and began to thrust his pelvis at her head. The trip lasted 98 days.

Cloud meanwhile was so drunk he ran outside and picked up Cid.

"OMG CID I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!"

"LET ME DOWN!" said Cid, "THE GROUND IS TOO FAR AWAY!"

"IT IS I! SEXYWRATH!" said Sephi's hooker-alter-ego.

"OMG HI SEXYWRATH!" said Cloud, letting Cid down over the side of a lake.

Then Leon came out of nowhere. HURR DURR ITS LEON.

"SORA I HAVE COME TO DELIVER YOUR CHILD!" he said. Then realised Cloud was not wearing a shirt. Then he went all fangirly and the two made SWEET SWEET PASSIONATE LOVE.

Sexywrath smiled to himself as he thought of nipples. He sat down on a bench to pass the time. He handed Luxord to The Yuffie who puked a chicken. The Yuffie put Luxord in her pants next to Aerith, but far away from her pussy so she didn't fight with Luxord. Her pussy's name was Eastside Refrigeration and she was a tabby.

Suddenly Sexywrath realised he was sitting on a MAGIC BENCH.

"OMG this bench is magic!" said Sexywrath, pointing his overly long sword at Cloud.

"OMG WTF ROFLCOPTER!" said Cloud, shoving Leon into The Yuffie's pants. "BENCH EAT MY FOOT!"

Cloud stood on the foot-eating magic bench and waited for it to eat his foot. Sadly, the not-hungry foot-eating magic bench was too busty thinking about taking Sexywrath to a diner and making him eat everything on the menu and all the menus and AAALLL THE THINGS!

Sexywrath then licked Cloud's leg, right by his waist. Then everything got SO INCREDIBLY SEXUAL THAT THE AUTHOR HAD TO SHUT HER EYES AND GO TO NAMINÉ TO GET THE HORRIBLE IMAGES SEEN IN THIS STUNT REMOVED AND REPLACED WITH MUCH NICER IMAGES OF THINGS LIKE VENTUS AND THE DEHUMIDIFIER'S WEDDING DAY AND TIFA BECAUSE THE AUTHOR REALLY LIKES TIFA AND THE DISTURBED NOT-HUNGRY FOOT-EATING MAGIC BENCH WENT HOME AND WATCHED RERUNS OF JAPANESE FRIENDS.

29 palms later…

Sexywrath felt the heat of Cloud's desert heart. Realising that the sex was not going to stop anytime soon, the Author was lead down the road that leads back to you…ffie. Yuffie. The Author and Yuffie had a civilised conversation about Robitussen.

AND NOW FOR TIFA'S SIDE OF THE STORY

Tifa was just going down the road that leads back to Yuffie when all of a suddenly at that very moments later in the yearbook of school fever

"GERTRUDE DO NOT DRINK!"

She turned around. Cloud was standing behind her with tiny Sexywrath in a cup. He then drunk the drank. Drink the drunk. You know what I mean.

"Cloud? I thought you were baaing a humbug," said Tifa, scratching her head while also wondering why the Author keeps running into the c button so her name keeps becoming Tifca.

"The greatest of all loves begins with a BLT. Bacon, lettuce and toma-TO! Bacon, lettuce and toma-TO! Bacon WHAT lettuce WHAT tomato WHAT."

"I love you too, Cloud," sighed Tifa.

"get thee to a nunnery said Hamlet!" said Cloud.

Then they hugged because Cloud still smelt terribly like barf and bean salad and Sexywrath's sex-energy so Tifa did not want to use the washing machine. Instead, she threw him in the lake. Hey there's Cid! Oh. He's getting eaten by a merman.

"Sop," said Sexywrath from inside Cloud's stomach.

"HURR DURR ITS LEON," said The Yuffie as her, The Author and Leon walked out of nowhere.

The Yuffie and Leon decided to adopt so they went to the shelter and brought a baby. They then put a wig on it and it became a bank teller.

Then Cloud, at the bottom of the lake, realised that he had left Tifa and The Author alone for far too long. O NO! He swam out of the lake, fearing all the dirty things his girlfriend and The Author could get up to. And trust me. They were _very dirty._

"TIFA!" he screamed. But sighed with relief when he saw they were only playing Grand Theft Pokémon.

"CLOUD YOU BROKE MY MOJO!" said The Author.

"bad Cloud!" said Tifa, throwing a biscuit at Cloud.

The Author and Tifa then took the Xii back to Goddessland and continued to play there. Tifa robbed a bank.

Cloud sat down and began to cry. He ended up drinking all his tears and Sexywrath drowned. There was no Tifa or Sexywrath/Sephiroth or Hurr Durr Leon or even a The Yuffie or two to comfort him. NAD SLOWLY… please excuse my terrible typing. AND SLOWLY HE BEGAN… TO SOBER…

Suddenly Cloud was sober. He went back to Olympus Coliseum to challenge all the unworthy and kick Philotesticles or whatever that little dickhead's name is.

AND THAT IS WHY EASTER, IN THE BEST PLACE TO DANCE!


End file.
